My First Friendships

Moving to any new place brings with it that undeniable fear that you’ll never make any friends. In the first few days or even weeks, it can feel like you’ll never break through. You go to bed at night wondering if you’ll always eat alone, always feel awkward, and no one will have the joy of truly knowing you. Living in China, there’s always going to be an element of awkwardness and feeling like an outsider. You are an outsider and that’s okay. Even the word they whisper to their friends when you walk down the street can be literally translated as, “outsider.” 

But that doesn’t mean you can’t make friends and find your place. 

In my first month or so of living in my new city, I had met a few people. Some very kind university students took me on a tour of the campus. They showed me a little park where students would hang out. They showed me places to eat just on the other side of the campus walls. They even pointed out a small garden on campus with a walkway through the middle and vines overhead. They said, “Don’t go there at night.” I didn’t ask many questions about that, but based on their sheepish smiles and slight embarrassment, I concluded that the garden is where boyfriends and girlfriends go to have some alone time after dark. So, like a good foreigner in a new place, I avoided the places they told me to avoid. These students were gracious with me and I felt like they were happy I was there, but were we becoming friends? I wasn’t sure. 

Over the next several weeks, we would go for more walks around campus, spend more time together eating noodles together and playing basketball. Before long, I looked around and realized I had friends. I had people who knew me, cared about me, and even took care of me in some ways. There wasn’t a big fan fare to it. It was just an intentional investment of time, making myself available and working hard at conversations that spanned two languages. And that’s how friendships work pretty much anywhere. It’s rarely instantaneous. And it’s rarely without an investment of time and vulnerability. 

I will be forever grateful for those first friendships because when the world seems chaotic and other cultures seem distant, I am reminded that working hard to understand people in a different culture is worth the investment and the awkwardness and the blunders. The world is better that way.